Going to the Sarah Palin Book Signing

Well I did it like thousands of others. I went to the Sarah Palin book signing in Orlando, Florida. I have been to a few of these before. Neal Boortz, Glen Beck and some unknown author standing outside a book store in Savanna selling his self published novel about the local ghost. The last one was enjoyable. There was no one else there and the guy seemed all too eager to tell me and my wife about his novel. The other three were nightmares to some degree or another.

At the Boortz signing I got there “on time” but soon realized “on time” means a three hour + wait and slim prospects of getting the book signed. Okay fool me one. I got it. In the end I gave up on the idea of getting the book signed and looked at Neal like some retarded overgrown kid eying a Snickers bar sitting at a table unwrapped and ready to eat. I am sure if someone took a picture of me it would be one of the goofiest photos in the history of mankind. I have no idea why I and doubtless thousands of other people look so goofy when seeing a celebrity in real life. I guess it’s just the shock of seeing a hero or villain in the flesh. They never look the same as the pictures. Less makeup, pale skin, acne, bald heads, sometimes sunburned, fatter, skinnier, generally less attractive and more human. God what a concept these people are human? It cannot be! I see or hear them on television or the radio and they are not perfect human specimens! I just fall into a state of shock looking like Gomer Pyle after Sgt. Carter just busted him with some cookies in his locker. What is a guy to do?

For the Glen Beck book signing I had a plan. Got there early, got my number, 366, and still waited several hours. Overall it went pretty good if you like to wait in line a lot. As I approached Glen I frantically took pictures in my outdated digital camera that gets maybe 10 pictures before you have to change the batteries. I squeezed off shot after shot hoping to get that perfect shot for this blog. I was so focused on shooting and the line kept moving closer and closer till I suddenly realized I was standing in from of Glen with this dazed look in my eyes. Glen was looking at me I wondered what the hell he was looking at me for and then he said “How are you doing?” making eye contact with me to get my attention then gently breaking eye contact to indicate he was no threat to me in case I was a crazed lunatic on PCP or maybe just a crazed lunatic. I snapped out of it and came back to reality and shook his hand, smiled and moved on then proceeded to continue shooting pictures. It was just plain weird meeting the guy in person. Surly these pictures will win some photojournalistic award, right?

Wrong. The pictures were horrible. Between my moving down the line, incorrect camera angles and red eye there was barley a decent shot in the bunch. One was so horrible I must post it here. Sorry Mr. Beck my deepest apologies but the family needs to know the dangers of amateur photography. The shot is a wonderful picture of Mr. Beck’s five o’clock shadow, 3/5ths of his face looking downward, nicely pressed shirt, pen in hand but you cannot se his hand and totally worthless. Surely this is photography hall of shame material. And there were others to compete with this one but out of self guilt and shame I will not post them. Sorry I have had enough humiliation. Glen I learned my lesson.

And now the Sarah book signing experience. Oh Sarah the perfect mother of five and other assorted R rated thoughts. Her book signing was a nightmare. The day started off at 7:30 AM. I thought I would get in line at the local Barnes & Noble, wait an hour and a half, maybe two, get my number and get out of dodge until the evening fireworks scheduled to go off at 7:30 PM. Uh-huh in my dreams.

Every female in her 40’s and 50’s who was a fan of Helen Ready, “I am Woman”, was there. They were up one block and down the other. I surly must be number 1,487 or something insignificant. I was in the back surrounded by agitated women who were going through or had already experienced menopause! They were all patriotic and it didn’t help the Armed Forces Recruiting office was right next to me. I wouldn’t have noticed but for the fact that as young military recruiters walked into work these women cheered them like they were rock stars. I thought to myself come on ladies weren’t you the chicks that avoided any guy with short hair in both college and the night clubs? Of course they were. I remember it quite well. Back in the post Vietnam War days these women would not be caught dead on a dance floor at a disco or rock club with a guy with a military haircut. Long hair was in style and those of us in the military stood out from the crowd. We were the nonconformist of our day and being truly a nonconformist is rarely rewarded by the main stream of popular culture. These were the same women 30 years later applauding young military men in uniform going to work. Quite a stunning turnaround. I guess age and the specter of returning to a Jimmy Carter economy can do that to you. Well good for them.

As the line moved on the day dragged on and there was ample time to get acquainted with ones new found neighbors. Some read books like Jeff Shaara’s WWI novel To the Last Man, some stood in silence, and some like me made friends and talked about anything that came into our bored minds. Most were educated, some elderly and occasionally a minority or two.

One young black man with dreadlocks read intently his ninja book of struggle and great warrior clashes all the while gently ever so slowly sneaking his way up the line. I notice him because he stood out in this crowd of post menopausal women like I did at a rock concert back in 1979 with my military haircut. I gently asked “what do you like about Palin? Politics, celebrity?” “Oh I like her politics.” And the message was sent that I noticed him and to stop cutting in line. He later explained he was scheduled for work at 10:00 O’clock and soon realized that was not going to happen. He resigned himself to the fact that he would be late and made the dreaded text message to the boss. To his credit he stuck it out and made the book signing that night.

Another mother and her daughter gave up after a few hours as the line laboriously moved at a snails pace. Barnes & Noble limited access to six customers at a time so as not to overwhelm the staff behind the checkout counter. It made for a lot of conversations and lot of boredom.

In these waiting lines for political events the one thing that always strikes me is how the elderly are so different in their demeanor. Most stand there patiently in line while others much younger whip out portable lounge chairs and have a seat. The temperature seems to have no affect on these stoic souls. They have faced the Great Depression and WWII. They know true hardship. Their culture is in the last troughs eventually leading to extinction. No ego, no vanity, no expectations of special treatment. When I see these people from another time and place I marvel at their patient discipline to maintain their composure in the middle of impatient baby boomers.

Political conversation at these events is a repeat of Bill O’Reilly, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush. Very little political imagination. The same talking points. The same conversations over and over again. When I suggest that Sarah Palin would be better off running as a Libertarian the crowd is aghast at the thought. That wasn’t discussed on Hannity. Some dismiss the idea because Sarah is opposed to abortion. Others turn away in disgust at the traitor in their mist. Once again I am outside the mainstream just like back in 1979. So sayeth the lord.

Eventually I make it to the bookstore. I cannot get two wrist bands without two people being physically present. One for my wife and one for myself. Fine so I buy one book and get one wristband. Take that Sarah! And I leave the store at high noon. I am amazed that I have made it five and a half hours waiting to pay $20 for Sarah Palin’s book and somewhat pissed off that I will have to come back at 7:00 PM for the actual book signing. I am in group “G” which ion case you didn’t notice is behind A, B, C, D, E and F. That means a whole lot of people.

Now I like Sarah, she’s the best female politician to come along since former Ronald Reagan ambassador to the United Nations Jeane Kirkpatrick, but she makes me a little queasy at times listening to her. I don’t know if it’s that Alaskan accent. As a kid in lower Michigan I always resented that stupid upper “Yoopers” Michigan twang. You know like they were somehow nicer and superior to the heathens down south because they go 30 more inches of snow each winter. “Ya man like the snow machining is good, ja man eh. Youz folks down there might not get the snow for another month, ja man ja know eh?” Just irritating at times although Sarah hides it well in public. Not well enough for my liking.

I like her a lot and would really like her as a third party candidate focused on breaking up the monopoly of dictator heavy and special interest light. These political parties have had a monopoly for 156 or so years and it’s time to kill both of them. They work together and there is not a lot of difference between them. Both parties need to be broken up. Canada has five or six parties why can’t we have four? Two on the right and two on the left as it should be. And if nothing gets done in Washington then the people have won. If legislation slowed to one bill a year it would be wondrous. Nothing good come out of Washington that helps the people. Special interest dominate and it would be nice to have a couple of parties that truly represent the people. Libertarian, Objectivist, Constitutional I don’t care. Just work on breaking up the monopoly.

Yes I like her a lot but not as much as my Republican wife does. So when she got off work there I was standing in line another hour and a half waiting for her. She got in line, I gave her the sacred wristband, taped it back together and she was in and out in an hour. Merry Christmas baby. It was worth the wait so she could see probably the one political person she admires more than anyone else.

Glen I would suspect doesn’t give a hoot about bad pictures on an old dinosaur camera . He’s a guy. Why should he? Sarah now that’s a different story. Bad pictures of female politicians do have a negative affect. Sexist? Yes indeed. We all have seen the Nancy Pelosi Frankenstein picture of her with her face contorted in anger and blood vessels protruding out of her forehead, pancake facial power three centimeters thick breaking apart into platonic plates like a earthquake along the San Andreas fault line in San Francisco. Very scary and damaging.

Sarah and her crew have devised a way around this dilemma. Her operation bans cameras and all personal items. The signing area is blocked off on three sides. A professional photographer is commissioned to video tape and distribute 5”x7”, 8”x10”, 8”x12” and 11”x14” prints for $15.99 to $35.99. Problem solved and making a little change on the side.

She went up into the enclosed area in the limited access second level where those below could not see. My wife had her book signed, “thank you for being here,” shook her hand and it was over. She was ecstatic but at the same time somewhat puzzled. She confided in me that Sarah was “really skinny” and she looked “different” than on television. Sarah looked tired and not quite as spectacular, like an ordinary person tired from a long days work. Sarah’s father made quite the impression on her still looking like a dashing elderly gentleman but was less impressed with the mother describing her as somewhat disheveled. Yea baby I know the feeling.

One has to wonder what these celebrities think. Everyone knows your history and sometimes the most intimate details of your life. Most of the people at these events worship you. Complete strangers approaching you hour after hour wishing you well and asking the most mundane to intimate question. Totally out of bounds questions to real strangers but perfectly acceptable between the public and a celebrity. Ah the price of stardom. Still it must be quite annoying and at times amusing to have a complete stranger ask you about your grandson and your daughter’s plans for college.

And that is about all the celebrity worshiping I care to partake in for the near future. The fascist are in power trying to consolidate power and I need to start a new business of fewer than 50 people to avoid the wrath of the federal government and the punitive legislation coming my way. Sole proprietorship seems to be the up and coming wave for the peasants. I know I cannot idly sit by while the federal monster sacks and pillages the nation. I will stay politically involved and aggressive if needed but my days of celebrity reverence are over. Time to move on.